


Supposed To Be

by decreasethesurpluspopulation



Series: Making A Change [4]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: And Yet That Is Not, Bookstore Owner Dean, Caring Jo, Dean Has Self-Worth Issues, Dean Uses Pie To Run From His Feelings, Dean Winchester Has Anxiety, How Sad That That Is A Tag, M/M, Sad Dean, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-05
Updated: 2016-12-05
Packaged: 2018-09-06 15:25:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8758384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/decreasethesurpluspopulation/pseuds/decreasethesurpluspopulation
Summary: Dean wakes up remembering everything from last night. While he doesn't regret what he said, he does regret what he did.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This one took awhile to write, because holidays and because it hurts.  
> I don't know why I'm doing this.

When Dean wakes on Saturday morning, he feels like hammered shit. It isn’t an unfamiliar or even unreasonable sensation for him, but usually he can blame it on too much booze the night before. This morning it’s weird, though, because he hasn’t woken up feeling like this in a good while. Maybe even before he and Cas became… 

And that’s when he remembers, and immediately tenses in his bed. 

Shit. 

Fuck, fuck, fucking shit. 

The night before rushes back to him, and so do the emotions. 

At first, Dean can’t believe it happened. He’s just as shocked reliving the memory as he was when he lived it the first time. He’s so happy his chest constricts with the force of the feeling. It may be the happiest he’s been in his entire life. Dean turns over, slowly, and sees Cas sleeping peacefully. His face is soft in the pale morning light, and his mouth is slightly open, his chest rising and falling softly with his breaths. 

Nope, he’s definitely the happiest he’s ever been in his life. To think that Cas loves him back, after all these years of thinking it was impossible. After everything they’ve been through, and everything they’ve done to each other. After everything that  _ Dean _ has done, how is that Cas is so amazing as to look past all of that? 

Dean leans up more on his elbow to see Cas more fully, shifting as slow as he can to not wake him. 

When he let it slip that he loved Cas, despite having prepared to say it to him all day, he was petrified. The weight of it was finally off, and Dean was glad for it. Still, Dean had agonized all afternoon how to tell Cas without it making it a grand occasion, while being heartfelt and momentous. He chuckles now to think that all his planning went right out the window, and instead he blurted it in the middle of an _argument_ , with his _younger_ brother, about making out on the couch like a couple teenagers. Jesus, how’s that for maturity? 

Cas definitely deserved something better than that for something so big, especially considering the history the two of them have had with dancing around each other for so long. Dean can’t help the pool of regret that bubbles in his stomach now that he’s thinking it over again. 

Dean knows that if Cas would’ve done it, it would’ve been perfect. Not in the middle of an argument, not even _directed_ _to_ Cas, about nothing. He would make it something they would both be able to talk about and participate in, and look back on with warm, fond nostalgia. 

And the following sex would’ve been amazing. Well, it’s always amazing with Cas, duh. But, last night, even with the botched I love you, they were supposed to be excited and wrapped up in each other, figuratively and literally, to demonstrate that they’ve reached a new level of intimacy or something. 

Now that he thinks about it, Dean knows for sure he screwed that royally too, and obviously not in the fun way. 

He can’t believe that he cried. Dean’s face burns with shame, even now when Cas can’t see him. 

_ Way to friggin’ go, Winchester. Cas tells you he loves you, and then wants to have sex. What a fucking trial. Where was the problem here? When did you become such a chick? _

What went so wrong? 

Whatever lightness Dean was enjoying before is burning away and being replaced by the heaviest of the same shame, guilt, and regret that he felt last night. That’s what the problem was.  _ This _ is what the problem was. This is what the problem has always been. How the hell is he supposed to be in a mature relationship if he can’t handle his own fucking emotions? 

Cas is gonna need him to be able to act like an adult. He’s going to need someone that won’t lose their shit when he says I love you. Someone that will believe him when he says it, and not question it like Dean did. 

Only hours after Cas said it to him once,  _ once _ , and Dean is already on the verge of an anxiety attack. He nearly had one last night! In the middle of sex, which, what the hell is that? The shame and embarrassment grows. 

Dean sits up in his bed and tries to measure his breaths. This is fucking ridiculous.

All the ways he fucked up start gathering themselves in his head, building brick by brick until he feels that there is this wall around him that he can’t break down. 

Cas shouldn’t have to deal with anyone with a wall like this. 

Cas, who didn’t say a word when Dean started to ball his eyes out like a baby. Cas, who only tried to make Dean feel better ( _ because being told that you’re loved is so traumatic, right? _ ), and held him until he stopped. 

Cas, who looks so content just sleeping here. Even with his shitty night, he was able to get some rest, and Dean shouldn’t be around to ruin that too. 

He gets out of the bed as quietly as he can, searching for his jeans and a cleanish shirt. Maybe he can just slip out for a few hours and come back when Cas’ awake. Yeah, that’s a good plan. 

Dean can’t find his shirt, so he starts picking up all the clutter on the ground, silently of course, and wonders when he let his bedroom get so messy. Once he locates the shirt, he only spends a little bit of time in the bathroom to brush his teeth. For some reason, Dean really feels like he needs to get out of here. 

As he’s grabbing the keys to Baby on his way out, he hears blankets rustling in the still apartment, and then a deep, groggy, “Dean?”

For a moment, Dean wishes he had stayed in the warm bed, because if he had, he would kiss Cas awake, and offer to make him coffee. He sees it play out instantly in his head, they could spend the day lazy as ever, with just the two of them, and he almost answers back. 

In reality, Dean slips out the front door and closes it behind him as soundlessly as he can. 

  
  


Dean pulls into the parking lot, but isn’t really sure what he planned on doing here. It only makes sense that he would go to the one place that he feels truly and absolutely at peace. This bookstore was his mom’s everything and her leaving it to him was one of the best things that ever happened to him. He goes into the little shop, though he’s not supposed to be in today, since there’s no use in sitting in his car staring through the windows like a creep. 

He smiles as soon as the bell rings above the door, and on cue, Jo calls from the back, “The fuck are you doing here?”

Well, she doesn’t usually say that, but, “Uh, thought I’d drop by, see how the place was doing.” he shrugs as she walks to the front, avoiding bookshelves and displays with practice. 

Jo drops a heavy set of volumes on the table nearest and folds her arms, “As you can see, we haven’t burned the place down yet, so run on home.” 

“Well, I just wanted-”

“No. Go home, be with your boyfriend. Sam called early this morning and shared the big news. Congrats.” She picks the books back up and continues shelving as she speaks, “Which, thanks for fucking letting your best friend know, dick. Who was it that set you guys up in the first place?” 

Dean follows her with scoff, “Set us up? You made him cry and I came to his rescue. I had to pull you off of him after you broke his glasses.”

“And you’re fucking welcome.”

“It was the third grade! You can’t take credit for our whole… thing just ‘cause you were a brat in grade school, Jo.”

She raises an eyebrow, “From where I’m standing it looks like I did more work than you are right now.” She comes back to face him, and before he can retort, she has him turned towards the door. “So, go home and fuck your boyfriend. Or I will.” 

“Jesus Christ, Jo, I just wanted-”

“No.” Jo grips his arm, tightly as fuck, by the way, and pulls him to front of the small book shop. Dean only narrowly avoids stumbling on the bean bags and crates of books they’ve set at random places in the store. Which, in the back of his mind, Dean is seriously rethinking. 

She gets Dean out the door and joins him outside before closing it behind her. “I know what you “just wanted”, okay? Not that you ever seem to remember, but I was the supportive best friend you whined to, every time, when you thought Cas would never love you in high school, alright?” 

Immediately, Dean feels like shit, but Jo cuts him off before he can speak, again, “That being said, it is well within my supportive best friend rights to tell you when you are fucking it up. And Dean, slinking in here, at the asscrack of dawn, with some lame ass excuse to come to work when you should be snuggling at home and being the gross, dopey shits you are, is fucking it up.” 

Dean sighs, not able to respond with anything, is when he knows she’s right. “Jo, I-”

She takes one his hands in hers and looks at him seriously, imploring him, “Dean, go home. I know you’re freaking out, because you finally have everything you’ve ever wanted, but cut that shit out. Tell Cas what’s happening inside that crazy head of yours, and then believe him when he tells you that you’re okay.” 

Dean blinks away more fucking tears, goddammit he needs to get his shit together, and nods, “Yeah, okay.”

Jo lets him go, but calls to him as he gets back in the car, “You won’t fuck it up if you just talk to him, Dean. It’s what I’ve told you for years. And have I ever been wrong?”

Dean can’t look at her when he laughs and mutters under his breath, “Fuck you.”

She raises one eyebrow, “Wanna say that again, Winchester?” 

He rolls his eyes, but tells her while fighting a smile, “You’re fucking right, okay? I’m going, I’m going.”

She yells “Dick!” as he pulls out of the parking lot, but he flips her the bird, so he considers them even. 

 

He drives to the grocery store, and walks around a bit, thinking about getting some ingredients for pie. Yes, a pie would be an excellent idea. Dean makes his way to the produce section, surveying his options.  Apple, definitely. He grabs some good looking ones, but as he goes to put apples in a plastic bag, he sees the blueberries are on sale. “Can’t pass that up,” he mutters and takes a couple packages of those as well. 

By the time he leaves the store, Dean has a few bags full with fixings for breakfast, and more than enough ingredients for a few different pies. So sue him, the man likes pie. 

He gets back in the car, but when he thinks about driving back home, he feels sick with anxiety again. Glancing at the time, Dean thinks he might have more than enough time to make a few more stops. 

 

It’s still late morning when Dean makes it back home. Well, late morning for everyone else; knowing Cas, he won’t get out of bed until at least noon. 

He braces himself, half hoping Cas is still asleep as usual, and half hoping Cas is awake. 

Dean gets through the door and sets the bags on the counter quietly. The place is pretty quiet so Cas must still be asleep. 

Thoroughly  _ not  _ avoiding the situation, Dean puts all of the groceries away first. He takes his time, and maybe he’s being a little more meticulous than usual, but he likes the organization of it. 

With that finished, and a pot of coffee percolating noisily, Dean decides it might be time to check in on Cas. 

With a feeling impending doom and anxiety, Dean pushes the door open, it’s soft creak the only familiar thing about this situation to Dean. Leaning against the door jamb, Dean breathes both relief and dread at the sight of Cas’ still sleeping form. 

He’s finding that one of the most frustrating aspects of this ordeal is that usually he would go to his best friend for guidance. Obviously that’s no longer an option. And isn’t that the saddest thing in the whole world? 

Dean’s starting to see that when he and Cas fucked that first time, they screwed a lot more than each other. 

Dean knew better. He knew better for years. That’s why he’d never tried to be anything more with Cas before. If Dean hadn’t been so selfish, this wouldn’t have happened. Dean knew that if he started anything up with Cas, he wouldn’t be able to handle himself, just like he usually can’t handle himself, and he would fuck their friendship over so bad.

Dean’s never wanted to be more wrong in his whole life. And yet, he finds a strange relief in knowing that he was right. At least his and Cas’ try at a romantic relationship can be stopped now, in it’s earlier days. Maybe now, if Dean can step back for while, give them both some space, and let Cas see what a mistake this really was, then maybe Cas can forgive him sooner than later. Maybe, Dean thinks hopefully, they can be friends again. 

He wipes the tears from his face, because yes, this going to a be bitch of conversation to have, but if Dean could just make Cas see that this will work out better in the long run, then it’ll be okay. Knowing that Cas will be free of him and his problems will make the heartache worth it in the end. 

Dean's determined to tell Cas anything he needs to hear to in order to get this through his head. Even if he has to lie. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Things will get better. I plan on ending this with everyone happy and lovey, but I didn't want to make it easy for them. Let me know what you think.


End file.
